A crisis of conscience

I suffer from a crisis of conscience. I suppose it began in childhood. My parents often encouraged my to do what I thought was the right thing. It drove me nuts. I was a kid looking for advice from the wise elders. If I knew what was the right thing to do, I wouldn't ask for advice. It certainly helped me to think for myself though. It instilled a strong and rather unique sense of morality that took a long time to mature and is still evolving.

I went through a decade long and very intense spiritual search in my late twenties and early thirties. I still have a deep appreciation for Buddhist philosophy and cringe when it is refered to as a religion. I tend to dislike and distrust religion, but consider myself a spiritual person. That is a subject with a story all it's own that I will tell in another time and place.

The Eight-Fold path served as a powerful koan for me for many years. I have spent countless hours contemplating what proper perspective, proper concentration, proper effort, etc. means in the modern and secular world.

I eventually found my way into the Integral subculture of Ken Wilber and became rather zealous in pursuit of greater understanding of the Kosmos. There was a lot of discussion concerning the nature of enlightenment and the best way(s) to get there. I eventually became disenchanted, disappointed and discouraged by Wilber and his cadre of luminaries. They hardly seemed like relatively enlightened beings to me. Wilber himself said that all growth could be neatly summarized as a growth from selfish to selfless, but they all seemed to be very self-serving to me.

So I found another koan to contemplate for another decade: What would an enlightened person do today? What would a Jesus or a Buddha do if they walked the planet in these interesting times? I still haven't found anyone who fits my criteria for an enlightened being, but I will point toThom Hartmann, the person that seems to be most inspired to tell the truth and work selflessly for the greatest good of all.

contemplatingcPart of what drives me is the appreciation for the life I was given. I was born into a wonderful family in one of the richest countries on this planet. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to lead this life of privilege. I am well aware that billions of people are far less fortunate. I am also painfully aware that the well being of this biosphere is great peril and that many ofthe gains of civilization are at risk of being lost. It is a love of life and the wonders of nature that have brought me here to this crisis of conscience.

It is the crisis of conscience that drives me to labor to build Integral Activism.